Ala re ala..

The number of trees felled – if anybody’s counting- to describe his batting genius would easily outnumber our test cricket victories abroad (if you must know: its 12). Aussie spin wizard Shane Warne - a bowler termed unplayable by most batsmen – admitted to having nightmares about him during the Australian tour of India in 1998.

“Peru kettale.. summa athirudhille?*” is a line that Sachin Ramesh Tendukar can easily pull, push or drive firmly into any respectable bowler’s mind.

Quick Cricketing question:

Q: Do Indian cricket fans believe Sachin Tendulkar to be an incarnation of lord Shiva? The God of death - descended upon earth to dance – the Thandava - down the pitch on erring bowlers?

A: What Gibberish! How can you say that?Could be Lord Vishnu too!

Being an ardent cricket fan, I should have celebrated the headlines “Dhoni’s men end 33-year drought” - on The Hindu dated March 22^nd 2009. I did nothing of that sort. Why should I? My eyes were red from reading the ball by ball update on the internet - the trustworthy source of information on everything outside my cubicle. But all hell broke loose as I read Dhoni’s comment, “If we can win the series, that will be the best gift the team gives to Sachin [Tendulkar] and Rahul [Dravid]”. I squirmed in my seat, sensing the empty despair you feel when you run out of toilet paper after an energetic performance.

As captain of the Cricket team, Dhoni has access to all sorts of privileged information. But why does he mention only Sachin and Rahul? Almost immediately, another question hit me with the fury of a tsunami leaving in its wake a cold, drenched and trembling cricket fan. The question was “Is Sachin retiring after the current NZ tour?”Deafening silence! The kind that engulfed Filmfare awards when Kareena groped to strap her blouse back on.

God doesn’t retire, right?

We’ve built ostentatious temples, sung prayers in praise, appointed holy men to ensure that our prayers reach his inbox, declared national holidays, donated money, clothes, milk, hair, money, coconuts, did I mention money? Etc, etc ..all in a bid to appease GOD. So, God can’t abandon us! Not after all those bribes! Correct? Correct! God won’t retire, as GOD is a concept - a very powerful and positive thought - and thoughts –like women after 39 – don’t age.

Men do.

On the cricket field, Sachin manages to transform himself into a cricketing mutant – an unstoppable wolverine with heavy titanium bats surgically built into his wrists. Off the field, he is and will be only human. As you would have noticed, with every waking second we humans grow older and eventually retire. That’s the law. Unless you are Elizabeth Taylor or closer home, Dev Anand.

I despise research that messes with mother nature, but just this once, I caught myself wishing for an age reversal pill. Don’t get me wrong, It’s not that I’m a compulsive cricket fanatic oblivious to life outside the sport – I’m well acquainted with beer and women. It’s just that I understand, even with my awfully limited intelligence, what Sachin Tendulkar means to the masses of India.

From die hard fanatics who remember his 43 ODI centuries - ball by ball - as if remembering his exploits could pay their bills or provide a better education to their children, to raving loonies who burn cardboard pictures and take out mock funeral processions!

Kids in India – especially those from working class families – revere him as an inspiration. Not just as a phenomenal cricketer, but also as a career role model. An anomaly in a world filled with engineers pursuing IT jobs or doctors dodging their satanic seniors.At a time when most parents in India fed their children pizzas stuffed with secure lifestyles, burgers containing IIT / IIM patties and pastas seasoned with US/UK visas , Sachin’s life stands out as a terrific inspiration to follow your own desi vada-pav dreams.

When Sachin steps out to bat, for the briefest of moments, the invisible communal differences that separate – Northies and Southies, Manoos and Bhaiyyas, Tam brams in Mylapore and Tam brams in Mississippi, Nairs and Naidus, Politicians and Honest citizens – melt away, reducing hostile adults into highly opinionated cricketing experts. Every fan in India KNOWS why Sehwag shouldn’t bat one down, why VVS shouldn’t play ODIs and how Mandira Bedi is an expert udge of swinging balls.

Given such an electric ambiance, I’m scared metaphor-less just thinking about the idleness that would descend upon cricketing minds in India – practically everyone – when Sachin retires.

What would we do with all the extra time?

Who will distract us from our routine problems?

Would the sports section in newspapers cease to exist?

Can Dhoni step up to the task and make UnHoni - Honi?

As I was wrestling with these complex thoughts, an article in the sports section caught my attention.Sachin won his “First MOM award abroad” for the unbeaten 160 against the black caps! God bless him!

So, up until the day he retires, join me as I sing ..Ala re, ala, Sachin ala! Ala re ala..

* Tamil phrase uttered by his superstarness, Rajini sir , meaning "Name simply induces goosebumps, no?". Please correct me if i'm wrong. I could never undersood what he wanted to say..

Pyar Ke Unusual Side Effects..

I’m sure many you of are aware, directly or indirectly, Viagra - the wonder drug has lifted many sagging spirits from depths of desperation. So, as a medicine it’s no doubt a stupendous success. However, this article suggests that as a social phenomenon (??come again??) it leaves many questions unanswered.

Reading the article triggered the dormant explorer in me . What exactly is a social phenomenon? And how many of those leave questions unanswered? I challenged some of my uber intelligent investment banking buddies to come up with few such social phenomena.
(What appears below is a highly sanitized version of their response)

Social phenomenon No.1: Can Pfizer make a Viagra chewing gum? Tag line: The longer you chew the harder it gets! (It is unclear from the above statement what exactly needs to get harder. I presume it’s not the chewing gum.)

SP No2: Do Chinese men use Viagra to avoid peeing on their shoes?

SP No3: Do African brothers use Viagra to pole vault across walls?

SP No4: Did Santa Singh use Viagra to get a raise in his appraisal meeting?

Ahem! Ahem! These I.Bankers i tell you.. punny fellows..

The report also claims that Viagra caused death of 109 patrons. You believe that? I think it’s a conspiracy to undermine Viagra sales. Why would any respectable multinational, with profit motive as raison d'etre, kill their unsuspecting customers? I know ciggie makers are doing just that and getting away with it, but they are rich and powerful, so it's ok. Hush. But if you think about it, if one does die minutes after consuming Viagra, it’ll be a serious challenge to close the coffin lid.

Meanwhile, younger folks have a different tale to report. The article above states that more than 1000 cases were filed on as many as 1500 side effects. what? One desired effect produces 1500 side effects? Apparently, Yes! Some of the less bizarre ones are – hold your breath - Color blindness.

Call me naïve and ruffle my hair all you want, but my question is, how did the patient notice that he was Color Blind? Was he trying to use his joystick as a brush? Or did he swallow the pill and try to paint the erection??

Another interesting side effect is Priapism. Priapism, like many other complicated medical terms, IMHO, was invented to make some insecure medical practitioners feel important. Translated in layman terms, Priapism is a condition where the patient is unable to close his zipper for upto 4 hours.

I will cite an armed forces analogy to make things clearer:

General: At ease soldier! Put your Johnson down!

Private: Negative Sir. Unable to take affirmative action for the next 0400 hours.

Army Physician: (after a through checkup of the bizarre projection) Roger that sir! This man is as stiff as Sunny Deol’s dancing.

An apt title for a movie based on this action thriller (or intense emotional drama) could be: Saving Ryan’s Private. No? How about Pole Harborer? Or maybe The Eagle will be landed??

Ok, I've digressed. Focusing our faculties back on the wonder drug's side effects, I present to you the freakiest of them all - Peyronies. A medical condition named after the French surgeon

François Gigot de la Peyronie (Meaning: “Francois got a Pyronie Weenie! Na NANA NA NA..”) which is colloquially known as (I kid you not!) “Bent nail syndrome”.

Patients diagnosed with Peyronie can observe their organs - over a period of time - take the shape of a “U-bend”. If the bend were to incline downwards it could add some freaky realism to the phrase “Go F@uck Yourself”. As I looked at the picture in this article (CAUTION: Explicit nudity involved. DO NOT open in office, unless you are serving notice period!), I remembered my science teacher saying “A picture can say what 1000 words can’t”.

So, dear readers, if you ever get desperate to raise your sagging spirits and have to chose “lifelong misery” or “An amazing 4 hours with Viagra”, I say, go for the pill buddy!

Apparently, lifelong misery comes free with the latter!

Our Deepest Fear

Stumbled upon a inspiring poem by Marianne Williamson:

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Blown away? Tell me about it!

The poem is used thoughtfully in the 2005 Hollywood movie Coach Carter. A movie worth watching atleast a couple of times, if not more.

So, now you know what you truly fear in the depth of your spirit, right? Wrong!! It's Arachnophobia!!